We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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