Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
