I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you inspire me to be a worse person
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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