i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
