she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
