This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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