i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
