So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
