i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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