Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
