My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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