i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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