Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
