You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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