i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
