Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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