I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
