Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
