I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
