That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
