I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
