Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
