There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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