you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
