Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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