But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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