What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
