he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
