I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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