The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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