I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
