nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
