your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize