Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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