So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I supernannyed him into submission
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
