Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
