then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
