you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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