Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
