I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
