Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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