He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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