my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
