if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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