I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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