Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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