well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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