Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
