Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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