I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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