I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
