fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
