And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
