OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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