he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
