i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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