So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
