Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
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you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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