I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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