You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
