life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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