Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
