he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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